We shouldn’t wonder when God gives us an assignment that He should at some point take us off that very same assignment. The assignment itself is not our identity. Although the work that God gives us to do is fulfilling and rewarding, the work that God gives us also takes its toll on our bodies, on our spirits and on our minds. WE MUST REST! Being on the front lines isn’t easy by any means.
Recently, I lost out on a position at work. It is not that I could not do the job, I could. But for one reason or another after diligently praying for over a year, I was told that I did not get the job and that I needed to prepare myself for a cut in hours.
I think at first I reacted with anger because I was told some flimsy excuse as to why. Then I met the person taking my place, and she seemed pleasant enough. After talking with her for a bit I realized she wasn’t being hired, she was transferring from another location to my location, and the reasons my supervisors gave me for not hiring me were in fact invalid. I was simply up against preferences and in house hiring. It really had nothing to do with me, what I had done or not done or who I was as a person. That is why I reacted with anger. Because what I heard was ‘the world’ telling me again that it is my fault, that I am not good enough and that I am worthless. Now I can tell myself over and over these things are not true but somehow I cannot convince me of anything. But my supervisors did effectively tell me that it was because I didn’t have a license that they didn’t hire me. It was a crock of doo do.
If I; however, will look at the things that God is telling me instead of what the world insists, then I would see that on a spiritual level, my job at night is done. I have effectively accomplished what the Lord and I set out to do in the first place, and that was to take ground away from the enemy and to place it back into the hands and care of angelical hosts from heaven. In their charge it shall remain until that ‘great and terrible’ day of the Lord when He returns.
My whole goal in my life is to hear Him say on that day; De’Anna, you have been a faithful and wise servant, take you your place in the kingdom of your forefathers and hold your head high when you walk into the halls of glory. That is my goal. I want only to please Him.
So you can see why I myself have been a bit baffled by the anger I have felt towards my job, and towards the turn in events that have taken place. I am not afraid of making financial success; I am afraid that I am finished with the job that God has intended for me to do, and that I have succeeded in actually gaining the ground for the kingdom of heaven. Why would I be afraid to succeed in that? That is my goal! Well it goes back a long ways. It goes back to playing up to a victim role—something I am trying my best to move away from. So what ground is really being gained here I have to ask? Once more, this mountain called me is moved! It always ends up being about me somehow. It’s always about what needs to be changed inside of myself, and my perspective of the world.
God spoke to me clearly and said, “De’Anna, I did not bring this person to this valley for naught. I brought her here so she might learn of me. Now what are you going to do to show her she is welcome”?
Wow! I in my selfishness forgot that my goal here on this earth is to see everyone brought into the kingdom, and that I was trying to manipulate and badger God into giving me the job for financial gain when the real job is for the kingdom’s gain. I don’t know how to explain that I am placed where I am placed at any given time simply to share Jesus. How arrogant I have become to think I am here on this earth for any other reason. I apologize Lord. I repent.
So, I put a gift basket together, tried to change my perspective and with God’s help its happening. I have been cranky, and I have been in a lot of physical pain. MAYBE I NEED THE BREAK!
But no, I have to worry and fret and think that I am the one who has control over all of it. I don’t. I have little control over anything. Thank goodness for that!
Now the truth is, I need a job or at least some finances coming my way in order to maintain my house, my car and my credit score as it is. But the truth is, I don’t have any control whatsoever over if that is going to happen or not! I can only continue to be diligent in prayer and ask God to make that provision for me. He promised he would! Do I believe Him or not? I guess I am still struggling with that. I don’t know if I struggle so much with believing the Lord as much as I struggle with instability. My whole life has been about instability; and yes, I can get on a real big pity party over that one and go right back into the role of being a victim.
Don’t you just love it when you are trying to get rid of something in your life that the Lord just shows you how many places you have allowed that very thing to be a part of your life? I asked the Lord a long time ago to help me to be forgiving. All this stuff kept happening so that I would have to practice forgiving whoever for what ever they did, and some of it was really super hard. Now forgiveness I feel is essential to be healthy physically, emotionally and mentally, and I by no means have it completely down. I am practiced enough though to remember that it is essential to my health to be forgiving. I am practiced enough that I asked God one day if we could move on to something else like kindness.
Then all kinds of things started happening that gave me opportunities to be kind, and that too has been really hard because sometimes I haven’t felt like being too kind!!! God didn’t, however ask us to be kind just when we ‘felt’ like it. He asked us to be kind, period. No ifs, no ands, and no butts, and sometimes, most times, we are not going to feel like it!!
So I guess my question is, how do I get past what I am feeling right now today? How do I remain kind when I don’t feel that kind on the inside? How do I feel about the possibility of losing my house? How do I feel about the possibility of losing my credit score? My job? My mother? My everything as I know it?
I don’t know. I just know that if I focus on the loss, then I begin to play the victim roll again, and I begin to become resentful of everything and everyone around me. My sponsors tell me that this is a good time to write a gratitude list. How easily I forget! This I know that if God is shutting a door in one place then He is opening a door in another, and I need to gratefully and willingly let go and walk towards what He is calling me to do!
Now you might say, how do you know which direction to take? I don’t, any more than you do. But if I don’t start walking then I am not going in any direction at all. I become stagnant, and stagnant water stinks. I can’t get around it. I have to go through it.
Recently, at the loss of my brother, there have been friends who think it kind to either ignore the loss or they try their best to ‘push’ me through the loss rather than allowing me to grieve or to have tears or to just celebrate a life. I either do not get a phone call at all, or when I try and talk about the grief I feel they try to just push me through it and tell me “You have to get over it De’Anna. You have to move on”! Yes, I do have to move on with my life, but can’t somebody just for once say, “You know, I know you’re sad about this loss, and I am right there with you and I understand”? Why do we find it so hard to validate another person’s feelings? If someone were to validate my feelings about it maybe that would be the very catalyst that helped me get through it!
People are so rude when it comes to grief! God forbid that we should grieve or have feelings about loss. That in itself makes me angry. I don’t wallow in grief. I don’t cry everyday. I don’t even miss my brother everyday; but there are days when I do miss him and I am sad about what happened to him. I am not even sad that he has died because it put an end to his suffering in this life. But I am sad that he had to go through what he went through to get there.
I have no intentions of allowing my grief to overtake me nor will I allow grief of any form to cause such a deep depression that I never move on with the living part of my life. I have every intention of continuing to dream and to continue to move forward. Why must people always think that you love God less for grieving? Or why must they think you have no faith because you grieve? Or why must they always think your ‘stuck’ and can’t move on? I am not stuck, I am moving ‘through’ grief. I am not going to ignore it and pretend it never has happened. I made that decision when I lost my nephew Jonathan. I promised I would never forget him nor would I ever stop talking about his infamously great smile!
I am not going to say I am not sad when I am. Why would anybody want me to say what is not real? Is that not in fact a lie? It’s like if I ever mention anybody I have ever lost again in my life I am suddenly not moving on! I don’t know what to tell people who constantly tell me I have no faith because I choose to feel my feelings. Get over it? Inevitably, the grief I feel causes a barrier between myself and my loved ones, but not because I am uncomfortable with it, but because they are uncomfortable. As long as I am bright and cheery and whatever ISN’T grief, then they are okay with visiting with me. Essentially, the message I get is ‘buck up, get over it, and shut up’. I have no intentions of burying my feelings, and I have no intention of forgetting those loved ones whom I have lost. I love them. Why would I forget them? Or why wouldn’t I be sad for what they had to go through? Why wouldn’t I honor them by remembering their sufferings? They no longer have to suffer, but they ran the race until it was complete! I could only be so fortunate to be able to be that strong when I should be on my on journey towards home!
So here I am, trying to write about the things that God has been dealing with concerning my heart lately. To me, not one thing makes any sense except God. Not one thing makes sense except God’s trying to make my heart a better place for Him to live and it shows in my own actions towards my own household.
I am so tired of old paint, and things falling apart. I want to fix it all up. I want my house clean. Well God wants His house clean too. The place where He dwells; my heart, and its painful! Nobody said it wasn’t going to be painful; only that the end result would be what God has wanted all along; i.e. my heart connecting with His. He wants my heart to look like His, and He wants my footsteps to follow in His footsteps.
My son once said to his class at his graduation; “Forever forward in His divine footsteps”. Little did Frank know that it would be the catalyst that has kept me rolling in a forward motion for so many years. He would be surprised if he knew what a huge influence he has been on my thinking! We have clashed a lot lately. Poor kid, he doesn’t know what to think sometimes. He just knows that I am half crazy and he tries to defend himself against the insanity I feel. It really isn’t his fault either, and I lack the ability to explain to him that yes, I am cranky. NO, I don’t mean to make everything sound like it is your fault. Try not taking anything personally please, but he still does. In fact, he takes every thing I say to his heart and he has such a generously tender heart! He out of everyone I know tries to make me feel better about what is going on in my world. He still, just as he did when he was three, hands me that glass of water that always makes me feel better. He is more patient with me than most.
I can’t deal with my own stuff sometimes. I know this. That it feels good to be able to write what it is I am thinking, and maybe I will even share it with another human being. That is, if they are interested at all. I find most people are not interested. Most people are far to self absorbed to be interested in other people at all, let alone another person’s insight, wisdom or thoughts on a matter. We simply are not that important to another person….most of the time.
Not so with God. God is interested all the time. If you come in from school, then He wants to know how your day went. If you came in from work, He wants to know about that too. I find I am the one that has to be interested back. Well God, how did your day go? “Well you know De’Anna, I am off to make stars, and find even more ways in which I can get people to recognize the fact that I do exist”. I snicker at the thought. But it is such a true statement! WE SHOULD BE INTERESTED IN HOW GOD’S DAY WENT! We should want to know about what makes God tick, what excites Him, what He is passionate about and what displeases Him too. We should want to do those things for Him that pleases Him. At least I want to do those things even if I fall completely short of being able to do them.
So it has pleased the Lord to take me off the night shift full time. It doesn’t mean I won’t have days where I will work; it just means that it won’t be full time. So why am I angry if I am seeking to ‘please’ the Lord? Why do I feel completely miffed about the whole ordeal? Did I have an expectation that has indeed turned now into a full blown resentment because it has gone unfulfilled? I think so.
I think I expected God to open that door because I had prayed diligently for this particular thing, a full-time position doing a job I actually love….no hate. I love the job, I hate the hours. So how imperfect is that really? God is closing the door to nighttime shifts because really deep down in my heart I don’t like this shift. It has been hard on my body and I am trying to convince myself that it’s my shift. It’s not my shift, its God’s shift, and he will darn sure put whomever He chooses into that position. Like I said, God did not bring this woman here for naught.
He brought her here for a purpose. He has a plan and a purpose for her life as well. She has had a completely rough time in her new house with pipes bursting and floods happening and lack of heat in extremely cold weather. All of these are opportunities to express the love of God to her, and she probably needs just that. She isn’t used to having people that care. She isn’t sure that she knows what to do with it. She likes it, but it’s somewhat uncomfortable to her too, so she is learning how to step outside of her comfort zone as well, and she is beginning to relax a wee bit into a place she came to not knowing anybody. SO I would call that brave to just pick up your whole life and switch gears and walk into the unknown without knowing anybody where you are going. I have done that before. It takes guts, it takes talent and it takes faith.
So this is the bottom line of this writing session. That in the writing I might come to a conclusion about how to change my attitude which hasn’t seemed to change too much in the last few weeks. In the writing I might have some sense of having worked through yet another loss without giving into being a ‘victim’ once again, and not switching into survival mode either because that gives implication to being a victim in the first place. In the writing, I hope to just let the situation be what it is, be as kind of a person as I can muster, work towards strengthening my application process and look towards a very bright future! Literally, I mean that. I have missed the sunlight. I feel like I have spent a year and a half in Alaska when the sun doesn’t shine!
These last few months have been hell really. I have felt a wide range of emotions I never liked feeling, and I have acted them out at times. None of those things am I very proud of, but neither do I reprimand myself for them either. They are simply my emotions, and I am allowed to have them. In fact, I need them today.
I know God loves me. To me that is worth more than any job and friendship I can have on this earth and any thing I might own. I have seen some hard times, but I have come through them. I suspect I will come through more hard times too. In the program we call this living life on life’s terms. I just say that good things happen to good people, and good things happen to bad people too; but bad things happen to good people just like bad things happen to bad people too. It’s simply saying that the rain that God pours falls on the just and the unjust alike. No one is singled out, no one is being punished, and no one is without their fair share of trials.
Sometimes if I want to play the victim role I fall into that place of pity that says it only happens to me. I am SOOOO persecuted and SOOOOOO worthless. We know this is a lie from the pit of hell, and yet, there are times when it seems I choose to believe that very thing.
Well, I have effectively taken up time that I have found to be quite boring. My new friend even came over to find out what I did to pass the time. I told her that a good novel is a good way, and that I write. I write anything about anything. Tonight the topic just happens to be about how bad I have been feeling, and about how agitated I have become over the situation.
….and I have to admit, that it has helped a lot just to write it out. Nobody likes losing their job. Nobody likes instability, but worse, and some people don’t know it, they don’t like being without God in their life. That’s me. I don’t like not having God in my life. If you want to push somebody away, get cranky with them. Now God won’t quit loving me because I get cranky, but sometimes He grows mighty quiet on me until I can seem to pull out of it. Thank goodness that I miss our conversations when they are not happening on a regular basis! Otherwise I may never pull out of my funk.
In any case, I am glad when I can express my God to somebody else who is in need of Him, and I am glad that He is there to remind me to always be kind and forgiving. I am just glad that God is there. I am just glad.
I saw something yesterday that was the presentation of a child. That child offered an adult in our congregation a flag with which to worship God with and it put the biggest smile on that adult’s life! She doesn’t even know it, but in the act of being given the flag to worship, the little girl giving it was actually breaking off the ‘funk’ in that adult’s life. Glad she did it. That woman’s life will never be the same, and that is how it is when we serve God.
We just go by instinct almost. Or it seems like instinct when it is really the Holy Spirit whispering to us. Be kind! Show this person some love. Here is an opportunity! Take this chance! We don’t catch them all, but with practice we can begin to evaluate how we could have done better, and when an opportunity presented itself and we failed to catch it. It takes practice.
So, here is this opportunity in my losing the hours at work. Do I become angry and resentful over God creating an opportunity? Or do I become thankful that I get to participate in that opportunity? I think that we are being asked to chose whenever events like this one take place. I am choosing today to embrace the opportunity to make my commitment to Christ stronger. I want more, more than most and if I want that anointing for healing in His name then I have to be first willing to get down to the kneeling in His name (play on words and italics are mine). It’s all important, every page, every day and every given opportunity to express the love of Jesus Christ.
I once said “Lord, make me a moth” because the moth has such an incredible enthusiasm for heading directly towards the light even though it knows it meets with its death. I want that enthusiasm even though what it looks like is death I am headed towards! In my enthusiasm I want to be near the “Light” which is Jesus Christ. I want to be more like Him every day. I want to trudge this road towards Him always whether or not it is happy, sad, or incredibly hard. Lately, it’s been incredibly hard. I have not liked it, but I have trudged it one day at a time, and some days it’s been just one hour at a time.
I am trying to learn to be gentle with myself, and to accept my anger as a normal response to some of the losses I have had to face this year. They have been incredibly hard losses! And there might be more losses to come too! For those of you who think I should get ‘over it’ or that I should stuff it and hide what I feel I have to say that you misunderstand me when I am sharing what I feel. You are not to take my feelings on as your own. I would ask that you simply validate my feelings so I FEEL free to move on. I know that you are uncomfortable with my grief. I am saying this because it doesn’t help to tell me to buck up and shut up or to be told harshly to have more faith.
You can’t have any more faith than what was measured to you in the first place, and you cannot have any less either. To cry doesn’t show a lack of faith. To remember doesn’t either. In fact, if you will remember—Jesus grieved. I am here to show the face of Jesus, and to tell me never to grieve over the loss of the people I love, EVEN when I am happy that they are now with the Lord, is to tell me to not be like Jesus. Don’t tell me you have never lost somebody. Maybe my loss reminds you of your loss and it’s still something too painful to bear, and if it’s not painful that’s great; but you went through a time when it was. So don’t deny me my feelings. They are mine and I get to have them, and if they make you uncomfortable, I apologize too, because I don’t desire to make anybody uncomfortable.
I only desire to be more like Jesus.
Really, this is all I am writing this for. My writing is simply to express how I feel about Jesus, and to express some of the struggles I have had to go through in my life. I have only just begun to express myself. I am a little latent to say the least, but it has taken me an incredible amount of time to get to this place where I trust. I trust the process. I trust Jesus. He says to write. I am writing. It has saved my life to be able to write; even when nobody understands what it is I am writing about. Know this, it’s always about Jesus. It’s about how Jesus loves, and how I have learned to love because of Jesus. As a writer friend of mine put it; “it’s a humbling experience to have someone read what I have written”.
Maybe now that I have written all this stuff out I will get out of my funk. Trust me; I have been trying to get out of this funk for some months now. Maybe now it will just magically disappear. I doubt it, but it is worth a try at least. It’s nice talking to a piece of paper, but I am getting way to many interruptions to try and keep the conversation going. So have a blessed day as I always say…and don’t forget that love does exist even in the darkest of places.
Written by: De’Anna L. West © 11-29-10
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